Fell on Black Days

Just finish playing a visual novel on Kongregate called Missed Messages. If you play it a second time, you have a chance to talk with your room mate. She's suffering from depression and can't find anything she enjoys. Going through the days, one after another. She can't do something she loves because she doesn't know what she loves.
I can relate to that.
I hate when people ask at work how I am because a lot of the time...I just am. Just going though the motions.
I know there's things I enjoy.
Swimming, learning Spanish (not that I'm good at either), crochet, cross stitch.
Maybe right now I'm just tired.

Where was I going with this?

Nutshell

I'd only be able to hurt them one more time if I killed myself.
















And yet I find
And yet I find
Reapeating in my head
'If I can be my own
I'd feel better dead'

Stuck in my head

ᒛᐎᙜᓰᘓ

























no one
is coming to save you

















no one
is going to save you

I don't have to leave the door open anymore
I don't have to leave the heater on
I don't have to check under the dresser

I don't have check to see if he's eaten
I don't have to check for throw up
I don't have to check to see where he is

Or wonder when it will happen

Drifter was sick for longer than I knew
But he's not hurting anymore
He's not hungry
He's not sick

I still miss him

Listen to Night Vale

There is a part of my mind that IS rational. It tells me that the headaches are due to not drinking enough water and that the constant tiredness is because of stress.
But that's just a small part.
There's a larger part of my mind that reads like webmd. It comes up with the worse possible scenario.
Headaches, sleepiness, emotions that are as inconsistent as a cat. Because cats don't give a fuck.
The coffee isn't working.
Am I dying?
No. I know better.
But webmd is so much Easier than actual research.

I should sleep. Why don't I let myself sleep?
Is it because it's comforting being in this half-there state-of-mind? Did I really need all those dashes?

I can tell how stressed I am by how much I fall into the habit of daydreaming anime.

Good night, Internet. Good night.

Things are changing.

There's going to be a dream somewhere.

I told myself that I was going to go upstairs and get ready for bed once I found a stopping point in Dandelion, but it's easier to find an excuse to stay where I am.

Have you ever known that someone wasn't into you that way, but had problems not reading into their actions?
Is it possible have a fondness (for lack of a better word) for someone without it being romantic?
How the fuck do emotions and feeling work?

It was sweet, though. It was the first flower I'd gotten for Valentine's Day that wasn't from my dad.
Don't get the wrong idea. It was a single yellow carnation (btw, incase you wanted some random useless information, yellow roses mean friendship), but it was a flower. I love flowers.
Didn't matter that it was because "I can't think of any worse person to be stuck with on Valentine's Day".
If I hadn't been working, I would have been alone. Besides, he isn't as horrible as he thinks he is. At least, not all the time.
I think it was also a thank you for giving him a ride home.

There was also the time he walked me to my car, held my hand when we got closer to my car so I wouldn't slip on the ice, and then helped chip the ice off my windshields, even though I'd told him I'd be fine while my car defrosted.
Not that that was anything to read into. That was just really nice of him.

But then there's the small things.
The way he acts when most of the other coworkers have left.
He can be pretty goofy sometimes.
He also let me grab some of his nachos. Mmm, nachos.
"He'd never share his food with me,"... "I guess we know who his favorite(s) is(are)" Or something like that. And that made me special.
Bitch, please. I was always special.
I guess this makes me more special.
Special.
That's a weird word now.

Oddly enough, when I start getting too attached or something, He ends up doing something that really pisses me off. It's like he has the Shining, and he knows he has to push me back before I get too weird or something.
But right now, it's comfortable. We get along, and it's the closest I've gotten to a routine. As long as nothing is too different, I know what's expected of me. I know what needs to be done.
Now if only he'd stop trying to correct me on things I'm not wrong about.


On a random note, I saw this good looking guy at work. Kinda reminded me of DiNozzo from NCIS. But I've also seen a guy that looked like Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds on Metro, so it really doesn't mean anything. You see a lot of people look like a lot of other people when you have face blindness.