Fix me now, I wish you would/Bring me back to life~

I am so damn tired. Like, if I changed and curled up in bed, I could pass out pretty soon.
But I can't. I'm far too likely to wake up; my body thinking it a nap.
So I can't sleep.

The fanfics suck. I know what I want to happen in them. Nobody can write it right. Maybe my expectations are too high. And a lot of the Ghost Hunt fanfics always seem to start out the same way. Mai is late for work. Naru yells at her that she's late. Tells her to make him tea. Usually she'll ask Lin if he wants some too. Make tea, wait for Naru to say thank you. Get pissed off because she hasn't learned by now.
My god people, pick something different! You aren't making your fanfic stand out from anybody else.

And I don't know if Henry is making all that noise or if he brought friends or what, but it's freaking me out. Scuttling in the walls. Sometimes it sounds like something in the air vent.

I feel sick. Just a little. Probably just need to get something out of my system. Whatever.

I had a pretty good day today. Only had one person treat me like I was an idiot. If you don't trust me with your groceries, why come to my line?
I think Spider has a little bit of the shining.
I also think I need to change his code name. He's no longer the spider that you dread because you don't know where he is.
Anyway, I had an early shift. Early for me, I mean. Made a tasty salad at the salad bar for break. I got out on time, got a mocha frappuccino (been so long since I got a frap). Picked up some more soy milk and some chocolate yogurt. I was pretty damn happy. It was just warm enough to sit outside and read my book (Bag of Bones by Stephen King) while listening to my upbeat Pandora station.

I got to chat with L today. She understands that I have to reprogram 27 years of my brain. Told me that I shouldn't feel guilty about keeping money away from my parents. That I can't move on with my life if I keep enabling theirs.

Dad sent me a picture of Jack today. My kitten is 2 years old. He's gotten so big. I miss him. Jack has been snuggling with dad since I moved out in November.
That picture also means that Dad isn't mad at me for leaving them financially alone.
So why do I feel they should be mad at me? That I should avoid asking them for help?
It's the wiring in my brain, right? Why can't I just undo it like a twist tie? Just turn it in the other direction?
Instead it feels like cutting wires to a bomb. Sure, the manual tells you what order to cut the wires in, but it turns out you're color-blind and the red and green look like the same damn color.

Dammit, I keep seeing things move from the corner of my eye. Sometimes it's my hair, or a shadow, or even just the way my eye shifts I don't fucking know.

I've bitten the fuck out of my nails. I had a good day but I'm doing the stress thing. The eating, the biting, that thing that I do where I run my hand through my hair, even though I know it will make it more of a mess.

And the ADD has been so much worse. I'll be scanning an order and get distracted by something at self-scan, or a child in the line in front of me, or two managers talking over to the side. Maybe someone making an announcement on the PA system.
I'm considering getting back on the Adderall. The appointment alone costs about $80, and I don't remember how much the meds cost. I just don't like how they make me angry if I take them for too long. My temper is short enough at work without medicational side effects.

I've already waited too long and all my hope is gone~

I cried at work today. Over something stupid, I'm sure. I think it was a combination of frustration and stress and everything that's been going wrong long and short term. The four headaches in four different areas of my head didn't help.
I knew it would happen eventually. I'm thankful that it didn't happen during the day in front of customers.
I tried to stop it. I really did.
Even then, I didn't know for sure why I was crying. I couldn't even tell her that crying wasn't the emotion that should be happening because how do you explain to someone that the crying just kind of happens when it feels like it whether or not it has anything to do with the situation?

I need sleep and I'm tempted to call out tomorrow and the crying is trying to come back and who am I even typing for? No one is reading this shit! I don't even have any trolls on this fucking thing so what does it matter?
Nobody Cares

The worst part is that I know I need mental help and it's just never going to happen.

Brushing off the dust and making a bunny with it (what?)

Damn, haven't seen this thing in forever! Seriously, I totally forgot I had this thing.
So much to update for my non-existent fans!

I'm off my anti-depressants, and actually seem to be ok now that they are mostly out of my system. It's still taking a bit to adjust to having emotions again.
I have a job! Currently working at [name redacted] and it's pretty spiffy. I can wear jeans!!!!! You have no idea how happy this made me! Seriously, I look horrible in khaki. The shirt color is ugly, but the apron covers a fairly good chunk of it.
Started on Monday and have worked the past 4 days. I get tomorrow off and will be working 4 hours on Saturday. I didn't have to take it, but I figured, hey, more hours, more experience, and more money. I just wish I'd stop being so anxious over it. Training is so frustrating for me, but really, I've never had to really try to learn anything, so I think it's hitting me worse than most that I'm making mistakes. Stupid subtotal button stop turning invisible!
I think some of the older people working there have forgotten what it was like to have to learn this stuff, but the ones that remember have been really nice about it all.
I got some pet peeves with the customers (at least when I'm bagging anyway) but I'll save that for another post.
OMG who the fuck pays for groceries with checks now-a-days? The people here, that's who. And it's not exactly consistent enough for me to figure out how it works, either.
Gotta love working evenings/nights. It's not nearly as busy then (at least, after about 7:30 anyway).

Now to watch other people play video games! Current addiction: Fatal Frame series. Curse you Nintendo for keeping the forth game from us!

Lame

Why am I so amused at writing this at a cafe? I'm sitting here with my laptop, my coffee, and a smirk on my face.
Score one for me! I fought my anxiety and asked about the internet password! It helps that the guy behind the counter is cute and he asked about my ducttape wallet XD

Now I'm using this as a chance to check up on all the facebook/google+ stuff.

*sigh* this is like a bunch of twitter posts clumped into one post

finally bored with Sims Social on facebook. Still in the coffee shop.
Also wondering how much of this people are seeing. The kitchen is right behind me...more or less.

Alright, so I'm once again looking at the nanny/babysitting job. Ugh, headache. Sadly, it has to be done. I won't be able to get away with doing nothing and living at home for much longer. I think the only reason I haven't been kicked out yet is because my brother is doing much worse.

yeah, I wouldn't bother reading this crap either.

EDIT: Also, are so many people taking Adderall that there is now a national outage? How the carp does that happen?

Blah Blah Blah

As I suspected when I first created this blog, I haven't done anything with it. At least I can't be disappointed in my self more than usual.
What's new with me? Well, I got a nanny request, which is great except for the fact that this person wants me to watch her 7 year old. I'm pretty sure I wrote down that most of my experience is with kids under the age of 4. One of the things she wanted was for me to be able to set up play dates. How the fuck do you do that? And would I be watching both kids or would the other parent do that or do we work together or what? So many questions.
In the end, I seriously doubt I'm qualified. Either way, I should email her. Explain that I'm probably not the right person for the job. Maybe she's desperate. In that case, for the sake of both us and the child, I suggest a trial period.
It also looks like I might be starting school in the spring, if financial aid ever starts to make sense. That means I'd have to figure out scheduling. So do I sacrifice a potental job that I may not have in the end? Or do I risk loosing my chance at making myself better capable of the kind of job I really want?
Well, I should probably stick with the school idea. It's been a few days since I received an email from the lady, but I think I should reply anyway. Make up some excuse about computers or family issues (lord knows my family has a lot of issues)

Where am I going with this? I blame the 10mg of adderall I've taken today, the cup of coffee I had while working, and the Mountain Dew LiveWire I'm drinking.

I need a new bike. It's too short, the gears are all screwed up, and now the rear break squeals like I'm torturing a pterodactyl. I can use the front breaks, but I would rather not risk flipping over myself.

Holy shit my brother is too fucking nosy. When will he get that I don't feel like telling him what game I'm playing or what I'm writing? And he asks every time he comes in here. Dude, it's none of your fucking business!

Ugh. He just pisses me off a lot. 30 years old, still living with our parents, not even trying to get anywhere in life. Last time we suggested school, he made the excuse that he wasn't any good at it. When I told him you can't get better if you don't work on it, he whined and said "but I don't want to!" sounding just like a child. I get that it's not his fault, a combination of mild retardation/autisum, and poor parenting, but it's also not my fault for not knowing how to deal with it.

I need to work on the crochet stuff I plan on making people for x-mas. Too bad I'll be too distracted watching Daria.