I am so damn tired. Like, if I changed and curled up in bed, I could pass out pretty soon.
But I can't. I'm far too likely to wake up; my body thinking it a nap.
So I can't sleep.
The fanfics suck. I know what I want to happen in them. Nobody can write it right. Maybe my expectations are too high. And a lot of the Ghost Hunt fanfics always seem to start out the same way. Mai is late for work. Naru yells at her that she's late. Tells her to make him tea. Usually she'll ask Lin if he wants some too. Make tea, wait for Naru to say thank you. Get pissed off because she hasn't learned by now.
My god people, pick something different! You aren't making your fanfic stand out from anybody else.
And I don't know if Henry is making all that noise or if he brought friends or what, but it's freaking me out. Scuttling in the walls. Sometimes it sounds like something in the air vent.
I feel sick. Just a little. Probably just need to get something out of my system. Whatever.
I had a pretty good day today. Only had one person treat me like I was an idiot. If you don't trust me with your groceries, why come to my line?
I think Spider has a little bit of the shining.
I also think I need to change his code name. He's no longer the spider that you dread because you don't know where he is.
Anyway, I had an early shift. Early for me, I mean. Made a tasty salad at the salad bar for break. I got out on time, got a mocha frappuccino (been so long since I got a frap). Picked up some more soy milk and some chocolate yogurt. I was pretty damn happy. It was just warm enough to sit outside and read my book (Bag of Bones by Stephen King) while listening to my upbeat Pandora station.
I got to chat with L today. She understands that I have to reprogram 27 years of my brain. Told me that I shouldn't feel guilty about keeping money away from my parents. That I can't move on with my life if I keep enabling theirs.
Dad sent me a picture of Jack today. My kitten is 2 years old. He's gotten so big. I miss him. Jack has been snuggling with dad since I moved out in November.
That picture also means that Dad isn't mad at me for leaving them financially alone.
So why do I feel they should be mad at me? That I should avoid asking them for help?
It's the wiring in my brain, right? Why can't I just undo it like a twist tie? Just turn it in the other direction?
Instead it feels like cutting wires to a bomb. Sure, the manual tells you what order to cut the wires in, but it turns out you're color-blind and the red and green look like the same damn color.
Dammit, I keep seeing things move from the corner of my eye. Sometimes it's my hair, or a shadow, or even just the way my eye shifts I don't fucking know.
I've bitten the fuck out of my nails. I had a good day but I'm doing the stress thing. The eating, the biting, that thing that I do where I run my hand through my hair, even though I know it will make it more of a mess.
And the ADD has been so much worse. I'll be scanning an order and get distracted by something at self-scan, or a child in the line in front of me, or two managers talking over to the side. Maybe someone making an announcement on the PA system.
I'm considering getting back on the Adderall. The appointment alone costs about $80, and I don't remember how much the meds cost. I just don't like how they make me angry if I take them for too long. My temper is short enough at work without medicational side effects.
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