Priorities

It's 3:15 in the afternoon and I've been playing with my hair for the past 15 minutes. My hair is either clean or dirty, depending on the lighting, and I'm tired of trying to get the dry shampoo to work.
I'm tired.
I don't fall asleep until around six in the morning most nights. Usually I sleep until two, but my friend came over so I woke around 11:30. I don't know what time I fell asleep last night. Five something I'm sure.
I need a nap, but I need to wash my hair. I also need to sew up the hole in my apron. I want to finish a hat I was crocheting.
And there's more, I'm sure. But right now I feel the need to type this.
Because fuck priorities, I have A.D.D.

I've already waited too long and all my hope is gone~

I cried at work today. Over something stupid, I'm sure. I think it was a combination of frustration and stress and everything that's been going wrong long and short term. The four headaches in four different areas of my head didn't help.
I knew it would happen eventually. I'm thankful that it didn't happen during the day in front of customers.
I tried to stop it. I really did.
Even then, I didn't know for sure why I was crying. I couldn't even tell her that crying wasn't the emotion that should be happening because how do you explain to someone that the crying just kind of happens when it feels like it whether or not it has anything to do with the situation?

I need sleep and I'm tempted to call out tomorrow and the crying is trying to come back and who am I even typing for? No one is reading this shit! I don't even have any trolls on this fucking thing so what does it matter?
Nobody Cares

The worst part is that I know I need mental help and it's just never going to happen.

I am Human and I need to be Loved. Just like everybody else does~

I hate that I feel the need to explain myself to people.
I hate that I need to explain to them my need to explain myself.
And I hate that the people I feel the need to explain myself to are the ones who care the least.

"We'll get along much better as soon as you realize that my brain works differently than yours."

Sometimes My Mind Plays Tricks On Me ~

How do you explain to your mom that you don't like it when she takes naps because it feels like she's gone when she's asleep?
When I was younger, I didn't stop running to my parents' room at night because I stopped being afraid. It's because I'd decided that I was better off feeling afraid of the monsters than feeling alone with my parents.

I'm having more problems with my mind lately. I hallucinated yesterday at the store. I was putting an item back and I saw one of my coworkers about to cross my path and then she wasn't there. She didn't just turn a corner or something. She was never there.
This wasn't as intense as watching my nephew's aunt walk across our kitchen just to find out that she was home with a stomach virus, but it was... not startling, but mildly jolting. I don't know how to describe it.

I think I need to change my diet with how sluggish I'm feeling, but that would be impossible, so whatever. I don't even know.

Blame It On My A.D.D. Baby~

First I'd decided to watch Paranormal Witness while eating dinner. Then I decided I wanted to crochet something. Browsed though a crapload of snowflakes (it is November) found a blanket.
Crochet kinda works in levels, known as rounds.
Start blanket, figure out the pattern for level one, work level one while watching episode.
Pause episode, figure out pattern for level two, continue while crochet, etc.
Level 5, pause episode, wtf? How do I do this round (level)?
Check youtube. Holy crap someone posted a tutorial! Watch said vid. Partially work with vid. Hmm, finish later.
I wonder what other vids he's posted. Check channel.
Is that all his yarn? Click vid. glimpse other vids on side bar. You can knit with your arm? I must watch this!
Realize this is a perfect example of having A.D.D. and type up stuff, current vid paused.
There are now two paused vids and we realize that we've had to pee for the past 30 min.
Oh look, someone arm knits a blanket and we still have to pee.
Kitten, please don't steal my socks.
Holy crap that is one huge knitting needle!
finally use the bathroom
I'm hungry, I should eat something
more youtube
mmm peanuts
hmm, I wonder if she's tried the soda stream again. Nope, but ooh, she got a kitty! Click.
Soda stream again. I wonder if the flavor would taste better if she didn't overload it with the carbon stuff. I should pick up a flavor bottle to go with my seltzer water.
Oh hey, my cat found that bright colored hair extension/clip from Hot Topic that What's-her-face left here years ago. I should wear it to work tomorrow and see if anyone notices.
I should actually get changed into my pjs.
ooh, haven't seen this vid yet
turkey cookies
oh, right, Paranormal Witness
Facebook and more internet
pjs
bed around 4:30 or so

ALSO: Watched the hospital episode of PW. First time ever watching that show or any other paranormal show that I actually got chills

ALSO 2: The black mist from Supernatural is real!

I'm sleepy. Fell asleep around 5:30 in the morning. Got woken up around 10 or so.
We're also housing our neighbor's dog for the week while she and her son are gone. I have two cats. Both parties were growling. I had to walk one cat down to my room, stubborn old man.
Now they are sleeping
I should probably take a nap before work.
My stomach is kinda crampy. Too many peanuts last night or do I need to eat?
TMI and I don't care!
It's also freezing!
!!!!
!! kinda looks like a bunny...

"You know when you look back at your childhood and ask yourself  'how sure am I that I wasn't retarded?  I'm pretty sure, right?  Holy shit, was I retarded?'   That happened to me today and I'm pretty sure that the answer is 'yes.'" ~ Hyperbole and a Half
To read the entire entry, click here.

I would just like to say thank you to Allie. You have, more or less, summarized how I feel about my childhood.

 

WTZZzzzz...

I haven't been falling asleep until anywhere between 4 and 6 in the morning. Shitty sleep schedule and whatever.
My friend R lives in Alexandria, but commutes to the college by my house. When there are events late at the college, she'll spend the night so that she doesn't have to make a 40 min trip just to drive back in the morning.
There's a point to all this.
So last night we went to watch a movie for her German class "the lives of others" or something.
Now, R, being the 'normal' person she is, can fall asleep by 2, no prob.
I had to take 2mg of melatonin to fall asleep. I hadn't woken up until 2 that afternoon.
So I wake up around 9 to see her out and watch a few episodes of Criminal Minds, take an uncomfortable something hour nap.
I don't even know anymore.
Ran a bit late to work. A few annoying customers.
For some reason I was feeling really stressed. Almost had an anxiety attack. Almost broke down crying. Thank god Spider wasn't there. Feel like shit all day. Yay for going home on time!
Come home after 5 hour shift of stress and whatever. No food -_- really? There's a bloody grocery list and (my) money to pay for it! Why do we have no food? There are two fucking people at the house with no jobs and all the time!
Tired, don't feel like typing much more + ADD.
Didn't get dinner til 1/2 past midnight.
There were plenty of reasons to call it a bad day. Oddly enough I didn't consider it bad.
Who knows? Filler post? There was a point but I got caught up explaining my stupid sleep.
Now to finish that one CM episode.
Agent Studly!

And you think I'm crazy~

It's 3:30 in the morning and I feel sick from eating too much junk. Not like stomach ache sick but in the sense that I can feel the sugar coursing though my veins.
I'm tired but I'm afraid that if I try to sleep now it won't do any good. Last night I didn't sleep until 5:30 in the morning.
I know I should start by getting ready for bed. Wash off the minimal amount of makeup I'm wearing, change into my nightclothes, turn off the lights.
For some reason I...
and my thought process has trailed off. It just stops. I don't know how to explain it. I don't feel like trying to find it.

I had a mood-swing today. I'm tired of working midnight shifts, weather I'm working from 5 or from 6:15 or from 7:30. There is an almost unbearable loneliness. Or at least there suddenly was today. I was sad and lonely and wanting to go home and my brain glitched and I don't even know what to call what I did. I guess I got snarky. I'm tired of my brain not doing what it needs to do.
I didn't mean it. And sometimes I want to apologize, but I'm afraid that if I do, all I'll be told is "that's fine, but you should really work on your temper".
But I'm tired of that too. I'm tired of my family telling me that I've always had a temper, what else is new, you're acting like your aunt Karen, but there's nothing wrong with you.
I need help. I need tomorrow today just to get ahead (3 Doors Down) and I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does (Love Spit Love). And yes, sometimes I even get along with the voices inside of my head (Eminem Ft. Rihanna)
And I'm just adding lyrics now.
Whatever. I'm tired of this. I'm tired.

OMGwhat?

I heard a weird noise that may or may not have come from the next room.
My immediate reaction is to climb into bed and tuck my feet under something.
Because as long as my feet are covered while I'm sitting up, I'm safe.
O_o
Oh God I think it made another noise!

It might be standing next to me I seriously hope it can't read this....0_0

Please tell me it's just my cat

Brushing off the dust and making a bunny with it (what?)

Damn, haven't seen this thing in forever! Seriously, I totally forgot I had this thing.
So much to update for my non-existent fans!

I'm off my anti-depressants, and actually seem to be ok now that they are mostly out of my system. It's still taking a bit to adjust to having emotions again.
I have a job! Currently working at [name redacted] and it's pretty spiffy. I can wear jeans!!!!! You have no idea how happy this made me! Seriously, I look horrible in khaki. The shirt color is ugly, but the apron covers a fairly good chunk of it.
Started on Monday and have worked the past 4 days. I get tomorrow off and will be working 4 hours on Saturday. I didn't have to take it, but I figured, hey, more hours, more experience, and more money. I just wish I'd stop being so anxious over it. Training is so frustrating for me, but really, I've never had to really try to learn anything, so I think it's hitting me worse than most that I'm making mistakes. Stupid subtotal button stop turning invisible!
I think some of the older people working there have forgotten what it was like to have to learn this stuff, but the ones that remember have been really nice about it all.
I got some pet peeves with the customers (at least when I'm bagging anyway) but I'll save that for another post.
OMG who the fuck pays for groceries with checks now-a-days? The people here, that's who. And it's not exactly consistent enough for me to figure out how it works, either.
Gotta love working evenings/nights. It's not nearly as busy then (at least, after about 7:30 anyway).

Now to watch other people play video games! Current addiction: Fatal Frame series. Curse you Nintendo for keeping the forth game from us!