Wrote this up months ago

So I've noticed lately that my posts haven't been as ADD as my mind usually is. The problem is that it's easier to focus when I can get my thoughts written out. It makes me seem more organized than I really am.

To give an idea of how my afternoon is... Well, I'm just gonna type this up

First I made the mistake of drinking my coffee with my breakfast instead of after breakfast. Now I'm lacking energy and don't feel like doing shit.
See, I've figured out that I work better if I eat breakfast, and then wait til I get tired to drink coffee. On some days that even means not getting any coffee. If I drink it when I'm not tired, it makes me sleepy instead of just giving me more energy.

But before the coffee started making me tired, I was doing great. Got my jeans in the wash, started looking up recipes for chicken (no ground beef today).
Then some how I ended up with multiple tabs open.
Cleared the ones I wasn't looking at. Confirmed that the use of xanthan gum in gluten free flour was a binding agent.
Now I have more tabs open. Pretty much decided on a recipe. Have all the stuff for it. Don't feel like cooking now.
More tabs!
Because despite having a recipe I want to use, I'm still looking at more.
I've had music playing and have to keep stop typing so that I can sing to it.
One site has links that look interesting, so Even More Tags!

My brain says coffee. My heart says "what the fuck is going on. Do we need to panic? Cuz we can panic!"
The neurotic little fucker. Ooh, spell check says I guessed out to spell neurotic right!


Days later and I'm looking at this again. Coffee is ok again, as long as I don't drink it just because. No anxiety from it anymore.

Fix me now, I wish you would/Bring me back to life~

I am so damn tired. Like, if I changed and curled up in bed, I could pass out pretty soon.
But I can't. I'm far too likely to wake up; my body thinking it a nap.
So I can't sleep.

The fanfics suck. I know what I want to happen in them. Nobody can write it right. Maybe my expectations are too high. And a lot of the Ghost Hunt fanfics always seem to start out the same way. Mai is late for work. Naru yells at her that she's late. Tells her to make him tea. Usually she'll ask Lin if he wants some too. Make tea, wait for Naru to say thank you. Get pissed off because she hasn't learned by now.
My god people, pick something different! You aren't making your fanfic stand out from anybody else.

And I don't know if Henry is making all that noise or if he brought friends or what, but it's freaking me out. Scuttling in the walls. Sometimes it sounds like something in the air vent.

I feel sick. Just a little. Probably just need to get something out of my system. Whatever.

I had a pretty good day today. Only had one person treat me like I was an idiot. If you don't trust me with your groceries, why come to my line?
I think Spider has a little bit of the shining.
I also think I need to change his code name. He's no longer the spider that you dread because you don't know where he is.
Anyway, I had an early shift. Early for me, I mean. Made a tasty salad at the salad bar for break. I got out on time, got a mocha frappuccino (been so long since I got a frap). Picked up some more soy milk and some chocolate yogurt. I was pretty damn happy. It was just warm enough to sit outside and read my book (Bag of Bones by Stephen King) while listening to my upbeat Pandora station.

I got to chat with L today. She understands that I have to reprogram 27 years of my brain. Told me that I shouldn't feel guilty about keeping money away from my parents. That I can't move on with my life if I keep enabling theirs.

Dad sent me a picture of Jack today. My kitten is 2 years old. He's gotten so big. I miss him. Jack has been snuggling with dad since I moved out in November.
That picture also means that Dad isn't mad at me for leaving them financially alone.
So why do I feel they should be mad at me? That I should avoid asking them for help?
It's the wiring in my brain, right? Why can't I just undo it like a twist tie? Just turn it in the other direction?
Instead it feels like cutting wires to a bomb. Sure, the manual tells you what order to cut the wires in, but it turns out you're color-blind and the red and green look like the same damn color.

Dammit, I keep seeing things move from the corner of my eye. Sometimes it's my hair, or a shadow, or even just the way my eye shifts I don't fucking know.

I've bitten the fuck out of my nails. I had a good day but I'm doing the stress thing. The eating, the biting, that thing that I do where I run my hand through my hair, even though I know it will make it more of a mess.

And the ADD has been so much worse. I'll be scanning an order and get distracted by something at self-scan, or a child in the line in front of me, or two managers talking over to the side. Maybe someone making an announcement on the PA system.
I'm considering getting back on the Adderall. The appointment alone costs about $80, and I don't remember how much the meds cost. I just don't like how they make me angry if I take them for too long. My temper is short enough at work without medicational side effects.

Priorities

It's 3:15 in the afternoon and I've been playing with my hair for the past 15 minutes. My hair is either clean or dirty, depending on the lighting, and I'm tired of trying to get the dry shampoo to work.
I'm tired.
I don't fall asleep until around six in the morning most nights. Usually I sleep until two, but my friend came over so I woke around 11:30. I don't know what time I fell asleep last night. Five something I'm sure.
I need a nap, but I need to wash my hair. I also need to sew up the hole in my apron. I want to finish a hat I was crocheting.
And there's more, I'm sure. But right now I feel the need to type this.
Because fuck priorities, I have A.D.D.

Blame It On My A.D.D. Baby~

First I'd decided to watch Paranormal Witness while eating dinner. Then I decided I wanted to crochet something. Browsed though a crapload of snowflakes (it is November) found a blanket.
Crochet kinda works in levels, known as rounds.
Start blanket, figure out the pattern for level one, work level one while watching episode.
Pause episode, figure out pattern for level two, continue while crochet, etc.
Level 5, pause episode, wtf? How do I do this round (level)?
Check youtube. Holy crap someone posted a tutorial! Watch said vid. Partially work with vid. Hmm, finish later.
I wonder what other vids he's posted. Check channel.
Is that all his yarn? Click vid. glimpse other vids on side bar. You can knit with your arm? I must watch this!
Realize this is a perfect example of having A.D.D. and type up stuff, current vid paused.
There are now two paused vids and we realize that we've had to pee for the past 30 min.
Oh look, someone arm knits a blanket and we still have to pee.
Kitten, please don't steal my socks.
Holy crap that is one huge knitting needle!
finally use the bathroom
I'm hungry, I should eat something
more youtube
mmm peanuts
hmm, I wonder if she's tried the soda stream again. Nope, but ooh, she got a kitty! Click.
Soda stream again. I wonder if the flavor would taste better if she didn't overload it with the carbon stuff. I should pick up a flavor bottle to go with my seltzer water.
Oh hey, my cat found that bright colored hair extension/clip from Hot Topic that What's-her-face left here years ago. I should wear it to work tomorrow and see if anyone notices.
I should actually get changed into my pjs.
ooh, haven't seen this vid yet
turkey cookies
oh, right, Paranormal Witness
Facebook and more internet
pjs
bed around 4:30 or so

ALSO: Watched the hospital episode of PW. First time ever watching that show or any other paranormal show that I actually got chills

ALSO 2: The black mist from Supernatural is real!

I'm sleepy. Fell asleep around 5:30 in the morning. Got woken up around 10 or so.
We're also housing our neighbor's dog for the week while she and her son are gone. I have two cats. Both parties were growling. I had to walk one cat down to my room, stubborn old man.
Now they are sleeping
I should probably take a nap before work.
My stomach is kinda crampy. Too many peanuts last night or do I need to eat?
TMI and I don't care!
It's also freezing!
!!!!
!! kinda looks like a bunny...

"You know when you look back at your childhood and ask yourself  'how sure am I that I wasn't retarded?  I'm pretty sure, right?  Holy shit, was I retarded?'   That happened to me today and I'm pretty sure that the answer is 'yes.'" ~ Hyperbole and a Half
To read the entire entry, click here.

I would just like to say thank you to Allie. You have, more or less, summarized how I feel about my childhood.

 

And you think I'm crazy~

It's 3:30 in the morning and I feel sick from eating too much junk. Not like stomach ache sick but in the sense that I can feel the sugar coursing though my veins.
I'm tired but I'm afraid that if I try to sleep now it won't do any good. Last night I didn't sleep until 5:30 in the morning.
I know I should start by getting ready for bed. Wash off the minimal amount of makeup I'm wearing, change into my nightclothes, turn off the lights.
For some reason I...
and my thought process has trailed off. It just stops. I don't know how to explain it. I don't feel like trying to find it.

I had a mood-swing today. I'm tired of working midnight shifts, weather I'm working from 5 or from 6:15 or from 7:30. There is an almost unbearable loneliness. Or at least there suddenly was today. I was sad and lonely and wanting to go home and my brain glitched and I don't even know what to call what I did. I guess I got snarky. I'm tired of my brain not doing what it needs to do.
I didn't mean it. And sometimes I want to apologize, but I'm afraid that if I do, all I'll be told is "that's fine, but you should really work on your temper".
But I'm tired of that too. I'm tired of my family telling me that I've always had a temper, what else is new, you're acting like your aunt Karen, but there's nothing wrong with you.
I need help. I need tomorrow today just to get ahead (3 Doors Down) and I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does (Love Spit Love). And yes, sometimes I even get along with the voices inside of my head (Eminem Ft. Rihanna)
And I'm just adding lyrics now.
Whatever. I'm tired of this. I'm tired.

Change=do not want!

Meds changed. Do not like that. I finally figured out how to take my Adderall so that it no longer made me angry, and then there's this whole retarded national outage issue. I do not like Ritalin! As soon as it starts wearing off I start getting pissy and then emotional. Either I need my Adderall back, or I need to adjust to the new meds.

You Are Here!

Yeah, great. Where is here exactly? Oh, now I remember. I decided to start this blog. This post is going to be like the first chapter of a novel. Very boring, but important alright, so the latter part is a lie.
Hi, I'm Jack and I'm an addict. Yes, I'm addicted to sarcasm. Just thought you should know.  I'm also a chick.
I'm sure you have plenty of questions. "why am I here?" "who are you" "why are you using a guy's name?" and probably others...maybe.
First, I'm hoping you don't actually know me in real life. I figure this will be my "no shame!" blog. Meaning I'm not holding back. Definitly not something I want friends for family seeing.
A lot of this is going to be disjointed. I'm going to do as little as possible when it comes to editing. Not just because I'm lazy, but to give you reader(s?) an idea of what my mind goes through with ADD. It takes more time and energy to reorginize these things which usually results in me deleting them.
Anyway! Now for the questions.

Q: why am I here?
A: what I want to know is why you're still reading this. There's a good chance you're either really bored or killing time or something. Or you have less of a life than I do *shrug* who knows. Let's just say the internet drugged you. Did someone put a roofie in your drink or something?


Q: Who are you?
A: I am Jack. I will use fake names because I don't want anyone to realize who I am. Not just because I'm afraid of what they would think, but because that could screw me up big time if I got a job involving children. 


Q: Why are you using a guy's name?
A: I'm not a guy and it's not short for Jackie or anything like that. My name may not even start with a J. It doesn't matter.


Any other questions? Leave a comment. It doesn't have to have anything to do with the blog. Even if you don't have a question, feel free to post.
Well, my attention span just died. Maybe I'll actually post again later.