Muy cansado

• I've decided to name the mouse Henry. I don't know why.

• I hallucinated again. I thought I saw a person across the street. But then there wasn't one.

• My back is hurting like a motherfucker. That doesn't make sense. I don't care. Fucking pain, dude.

• I haven't seen Henry yet tonight.

• This post is being written over the course of more than an hour. Perspective. You are reading this as happening all at once. 

(This actually is happening all at once)
I feel like I have no one to talk to. R isn't good with these things. She doesn't know what to say or do. She has no advice.

I can't talk to my parents. My last... meeting with them, didn't go well. I left on bad terms. I can't let them borrow money from me anymore because they can't pay me back. If they become homeless, it would be my fault. How could I ask for their help when I can't help them?

I can't talk to my house mate because I barely see her. L is one of the reasons I need someone to talk to in the first place.

Things are happening and I feel stuck. L is talking about moving. She's getting the house fixed up. I was starting to get comfortable. I'm so damn sick of moving. I got woken up because of the contractor working on the house.
I feel like people see me as lazy and not working, because I can't get to bed before 5AM and I sleep until 1. They see me as being more lazy than someone who works as many hours as me, but during the day.

I know L tells me that if we move (by the end of summer, if she has it her way), I'd be welcome to come with them. Things wouldn't change just because of the move.
No, I don't want to move again, but it's not even about that.
It's the idea of a viewing. Of having to make it look like we don't live here when we do. And when would these people be coming by to look at the house? In the evening, when the family is home? No, I think not.
No, it will most likely be while I'm sleeping. Would I have to be awake and out of the house while this is happening? Would they have to avoid my room? Because I can't imaging some walking people through the basement and through my room and pointing out "Now this isn't an addition to the house, don't worry. The family will be taking her with them."

I have no one I can talk to about any of this. I don't want to form a relationship with someone just so I can abuse them with my complaints and ramblings. Nobody wants that. And I can't afford therapy. Besides, I'm gonna snap if someone else tells me I have to be rational about this.

I've already waited too long and all my hope is gone~

I cried at work today. Over something stupid, I'm sure. I think it was a combination of frustration and stress and everything that's been going wrong long and short term. The four headaches in four different areas of my head didn't help.
I knew it would happen eventually. I'm thankful that it didn't happen during the day in front of customers.
I tried to stop it. I really did.
Even then, I didn't know for sure why I was crying. I couldn't even tell her that crying wasn't the emotion that should be happening because how do you explain to someone that the crying just kind of happens when it feels like it whether or not it has anything to do with the situation?

I need sleep and I'm tempted to call out tomorrow and the crying is trying to come back and who am I even typing for? No one is reading this shit! I don't even have any trolls on this fucking thing so what does it matter?
Nobody Cares

The worst part is that I know I need mental help and it's just never going to happen.

Sometimes My Mind Plays Tricks On Me ~

How do you explain to your mom that you don't like it when she takes naps because it feels like she's gone when she's asleep?
When I was younger, I didn't stop running to my parents' room at night because I stopped being afraid. It's because I'd decided that I was better off feeling afraid of the monsters than feeling alone with my parents.

I'm having more problems with my mind lately. I hallucinated yesterday at the store. I was putting an item back and I saw one of my coworkers about to cross my path and then she wasn't there. She didn't just turn a corner or something. She was never there.
This wasn't as intense as watching my nephew's aunt walk across our kitchen just to find out that she was home with a stomach virus, but it was... not startling, but mildly jolting. I don't know how to describe it.

I think I need to change my diet with how sluggish I'm feeling, but that would be impossible, so whatever. I don't even know.