Muy cansado

• I've decided to name the mouse Henry. I don't know why.

• I hallucinated again. I thought I saw a person across the street. But then there wasn't one.

• My back is hurting like a motherfucker. That doesn't make sense. I don't care. Fucking pain, dude.

• I haven't seen Henry yet tonight.

• This post is being written over the course of more than an hour. Perspective. You are reading this as happening all at once. 

(This actually is happening all at once)
I feel like I have no one to talk to. R isn't good with these things. She doesn't know what to say or do. She has no advice.

I can't talk to my parents. My last... meeting with them, didn't go well. I left on bad terms. I can't let them borrow money from me anymore because they can't pay me back. If they become homeless, it would be my fault. How could I ask for their help when I can't help them?

I can't talk to my house mate because I barely see her. L is one of the reasons I need someone to talk to in the first place.

Things are happening and I feel stuck. L is talking about moving. She's getting the house fixed up. I was starting to get comfortable. I'm so damn sick of moving. I got woken up because of the contractor working on the house.
I feel like people see me as lazy and not working, because I can't get to bed before 5AM and I sleep until 1. They see me as being more lazy than someone who works as many hours as me, but during the day.

I know L tells me that if we move (by the end of summer, if she has it her way), I'd be welcome to come with them. Things wouldn't change just because of the move.
No, I don't want to move again, but it's not even about that.
It's the idea of a viewing. Of having to make it look like we don't live here when we do. And when would these people be coming by to look at the house? In the evening, when the family is home? No, I think not.
No, it will most likely be while I'm sleeping. Would I have to be awake and out of the house while this is happening? Would they have to avoid my room? Because I can't imaging some walking people through the basement and through my room and pointing out "Now this isn't an addition to the house, don't worry. The family will be taking her with them."

I have no one I can talk to about any of this. I don't want to form a relationship with someone just so I can abuse them with my complaints and ramblings. Nobody wants that. And I can't afford therapy. Besides, I'm gonna snap if someone else tells me I have to be rational about this.