Muy cansado

• I've decided to name the mouse Henry. I don't know why.

• I hallucinated again. I thought I saw a person across the street. But then there wasn't one.

• My back is hurting like a motherfucker. That doesn't make sense. I don't care. Fucking pain, dude.

• I haven't seen Henry yet tonight.

• This post is being written over the course of more than an hour. Perspective. You are reading this as happening all at once. 

(This actually is happening all at once)
I feel like I have no one to talk to. R isn't good with these things. She doesn't know what to say or do. She has no advice.

I can't talk to my parents. My last... meeting with them, didn't go well. I left on bad terms. I can't let them borrow money from me anymore because they can't pay me back. If they become homeless, it would be my fault. How could I ask for their help when I can't help them?

I can't talk to my house mate because I barely see her. L is one of the reasons I need someone to talk to in the first place.

Things are happening and I feel stuck. L is talking about moving. She's getting the house fixed up. I was starting to get comfortable. I'm so damn sick of moving. I got woken up because of the contractor working on the house.
I feel like people see me as lazy and not working, because I can't get to bed before 5AM and I sleep until 1. They see me as being more lazy than someone who works as many hours as me, but during the day.

I know L tells me that if we move (by the end of summer, if she has it her way), I'd be welcome to come with them. Things wouldn't change just because of the move.
No, I don't want to move again, but it's not even about that.
It's the idea of a viewing. Of having to make it look like we don't live here when we do. And when would these people be coming by to look at the house? In the evening, when the family is home? No, I think not.
No, it will most likely be while I'm sleeping. Would I have to be awake and out of the house while this is happening? Would they have to avoid my room? Because I can't imaging some walking people through the basement and through my room and pointing out "Now this isn't an addition to the house, don't worry. The family will be taking her with them."

I have no one I can talk to about any of this. I don't want to form a relationship with someone just so I can abuse them with my complaints and ramblings. Nobody wants that. And I can't afford therapy. Besides, I'm gonna snap if someone else tells me I have to be rational about this.

And you think I'm crazy~

It's 3:30 in the morning and I feel sick from eating too much junk. Not like stomach ache sick but in the sense that I can feel the sugar coursing though my veins.
I'm tired but I'm afraid that if I try to sleep now it won't do any good. Last night I didn't sleep until 5:30 in the morning.
I know I should start by getting ready for bed. Wash off the minimal amount of makeup I'm wearing, change into my nightclothes, turn off the lights.
For some reason I...
and my thought process has trailed off. It just stops. I don't know how to explain it. I don't feel like trying to find it.

I had a mood-swing today. I'm tired of working midnight shifts, weather I'm working from 5 or from 6:15 or from 7:30. There is an almost unbearable loneliness. Or at least there suddenly was today. I was sad and lonely and wanting to go home and my brain glitched and I don't even know what to call what I did. I guess I got snarky. I'm tired of my brain not doing what it needs to do.
I didn't mean it. And sometimes I want to apologize, but I'm afraid that if I do, all I'll be told is "that's fine, but you should really work on your temper".
But I'm tired of that too. I'm tired of my family telling me that I've always had a temper, what else is new, you're acting like your aunt Karen, but there's nothing wrong with you.
I need help. I need tomorrow today just to get ahead (3 Doors Down) and I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does (Love Spit Love). And yes, sometimes I even get along with the voices inside of my head (Eminem Ft. Rihanna)
And I'm just adding lyrics now.
Whatever. I'm tired of this. I'm tired.