Fell on Black Days

Just finish playing a visual novel on Kongregate called Missed Messages. If you play it a second time, you have a chance to talk with your room mate. She's suffering from depression and can't find anything she enjoys. Going through the days, one after another. She can't do something she loves because she doesn't know what she loves.
I can relate to that.
I hate when people ask at work how I am because a lot of the time...I just am. Just going though the motions.
I know there's things I enjoy.
Swimming, learning Spanish (not that I'm good at either), crochet, cross stitch.
Maybe right now I'm just tired.

Where was I going with this?

Listen to Night Vale

There is a part of my mind that IS rational. It tells me that the headaches are due to not drinking enough water and that the constant tiredness is because of stress.
But that's just a small part.
There's a larger part of my mind that reads like webmd. It comes up with the worse possible scenario.
Headaches, sleepiness, emotions that are as inconsistent as a cat. Because cats don't give a fuck.
The coffee isn't working.
Am I dying?
No. I know better.
But webmd is so much Easier than actual research.

I should sleep. Why don't I let myself sleep?
Is it because it's comforting being in this half-there state-of-mind? Did I really need all those dashes?

I can tell how stressed I am by how much I fall into the habit of daydreaming anime.

Good night, Internet. Good night.

Muy cansado

• I've decided to name the mouse Henry. I don't know why.

• I hallucinated again. I thought I saw a person across the street. But then there wasn't one.

• My back is hurting like a motherfucker. That doesn't make sense. I don't care. Fucking pain, dude.

• I haven't seen Henry yet tonight.

• This post is being written over the course of more than an hour. Perspective. You are reading this as happening all at once. 

(This actually is happening all at once)
I feel like I have no one to talk to. R isn't good with these things. She doesn't know what to say or do. She has no advice.

I can't talk to my parents. My last... meeting with them, didn't go well. I left on bad terms. I can't let them borrow money from me anymore because they can't pay me back. If they become homeless, it would be my fault. How could I ask for their help when I can't help them?

I can't talk to my house mate because I barely see her. L is one of the reasons I need someone to talk to in the first place.

Things are happening and I feel stuck. L is talking about moving. She's getting the house fixed up. I was starting to get comfortable. I'm so damn sick of moving. I got woken up because of the contractor working on the house.
I feel like people see me as lazy and not working, because I can't get to bed before 5AM and I sleep until 1. They see me as being more lazy than someone who works as many hours as me, but during the day.

I know L tells me that if we move (by the end of summer, if she has it her way), I'd be welcome to come with them. Things wouldn't change just because of the move.
No, I don't want to move again, but it's not even about that.
It's the idea of a viewing. Of having to make it look like we don't live here when we do. And when would these people be coming by to look at the house? In the evening, when the family is home? No, I think not.
No, it will most likely be while I'm sleeping. Would I have to be awake and out of the house while this is happening? Would they have to avoid my room? Because I can't imaging some walking people through the basement and through my room and pointing out "Now this isn't an addition to the house, don't worry. The family will be taking her with them."

I have no one I can talk to about any of this. I don't want to form a relationship with someone just so I can abuse them with my complaints and ramblings. Nobody wants that. And I can't afford therapy. Besides, I'm gonna snap if someone else tells me I have to be rational about this.

Blame It On My A.D.D. Baby~

First I'd decided to watch Paranormal Witness while eating dinner. Then I decided I wanted to crochet something. Browsed though a crapload of snowflakes (it is November) found a blanket.
Crochet kinda works in levels, known as rounds.
Start blanket, figure out the pattern for level one, work level one while watching episode.
Pause episode, figure out pattern for level two, continue while crochet, etc.
Level 5, pause episode, wtf? How do I do this round (level)?
Check youtube. Holy crap someone posted a tutorial! Watch said vid. Partially work with vid. Hmm, finish later.
I wonder what other vids he's posted. Check channel.
Is that all his yarn? Click vid. glimpse other vids on side bar. You can knit with your arm? I must watch this!
Realize this is a perfect example of having A.D.D. and type up stuff, current vid paused.
There are now two paused vids and we realize that we've had to pee for the past 30 min.
Oh look, someone arm knits a blanket and we still have to pee.
Kitten, please don't steal my socks.
Holy crap that is one huge knitting needle!
finally use the bathroom
I'm hungry, I should eat something
more youtube
mmm peanuts
hmm, I wonder if she's tried the soda stream again. Nope, but ooh, she got a kitty! Click.
Soda stream again. I wonder if the flavor would taste better if she didn't overload it with the carbon stuff. I should pick up a flavor bottle to go with my seltzer water.
Oh hey, my cat found that bright colored hair extension/clip from Hot Topic that What's-her-face left here years ago. I should wear it to work tomorrow and see if anyone notices.
I should actually get changed into my pjs.
ooh, haven't seen this vid yet
turkey cookies
oh, right, Paranormal Witness
Facebook and more internet
pjs
bed around 4:30 or so

ALSO: Watched the hospital episode of PW. First time ever watching that show or any other paranormal show that I actually got chills

ALSO 2: The black mist from Supernatural is real!

I'm sleepy. Fell asleep around 5:30 in the morning. Got woken up around 10 or so.
We're also housing our neighbor's dog for the week while she and her son are gone. I have two cats. Both parties were growling. I had to walk one cat down to my room, stubborn old man.
Now they are sleeping
I should probably take a nap before work.
My stomach is kinda crampy. Too many peanuts last night or do I need to eat?
TMI and I don't care!
It's also freezing!
!!!!
!! kinda looks like a bunny...

"You know when you look back at your childhood and ask yourself  'how sure am I that I wasn't retarded?  I'm pretty sure, right?  Holy shit, was I retarded?'   That happened to me today and I'm pretty sure that the answer is 'yes.'" ~ Hyperbole and a Half
To read the entire entry, click here.

I would just like to say thank you to Allie. You have, more or less, summarized how I feel about my childhood.

 

WTZZzzzz...

I haven't been falling asleep until anywhere between 4 and 6 in the morning. Shitty sleep schedule and whatever.
My friend R lives in Alexandria, but commutes to the college by my house. When there are events late at the college, she'll spend the night so that she doesn't have to make a 40 min trip just to drive back in the morning.
There's a point to all this.
So last night we went to watch a movie for her German class "the lives of others" or something.
Now, R, being the 'normal' person she is, can fall asleep by 2, no prob.
I had to take 2mg of melatonin to fall asleep. I hadn't woken up until 2 that afternoon.
So I wake up around 9 to see her out and watch a few episodes of Criminal Minds, take an uncomfortable something hour nap.
I don't even know anymore.
Ran a bit late to work. A few annoying customers.
For some reason I was feeling really stressed. Almost had an anxiety attack. Almost broke down crying. Thank god Spider wasn't there. Feel like shit all day. Yay for going home on time!
Come home after 5 hour shift of stress and whatever. No food -_- really? There's a bloody grocery list and (my) money to pay for it! Why do we have no food? There are two fucking people at the house with no jobs and all the time!
Tired, don't feel like typing much more + ADD.
Didn't get dinner til 1/2 past midnight.
There were plenty of reasons to call it a bad day. Oddly enough I didn't consider it bad.
Who knows? Filler post? There was a point but I got caught up explaining my stupid sleep.
Now to finish that one CM episode.
Agent Studly!

And you think I'm crazy~

It's 3:30 in the morning and I feel sick from eating too much junk. Not like stomach ache sick but in the sense that I can feel the sugar coursing though my veins.
I'm tired but I'm afraid that if I try to sleep now it won't do any good. Last night I didn't sleep until 5:30 in the morning.
I know I should start by getting ready for bed. Wash off the minimal amount of makeup I'm wearing, change into my nightclothes, turn off the lights.
For some reason I...
and my thought process has trailed off. It just stops. I don't know how to explain it. I don't feel like trying to find it.

I had a mood-swing today. I'm tired of working midnight shifts, weather I'm working from 5 or from 6:15 or from 7:30. There is an almost unbearable loneliness. Or at least there suddenly was today. I was sad and lonely and wanting to go home and my brain glitched and I don't even know what to call what I did. I guess I got snarky. I'm tired of my brain not doing what it needs to do.
I didn't mean it. And sometimes I want to apologize, but I'm afraid that if I do, all I'll be told is "that's fine, but you should really work on your temper".
But I'm tired of that too. I'm tired of my family telling me that I've always had a temper, what else is new, you're acting like your aunt Karen, but there's nothing wrong with you.
I need help. I need tomorrow today just to get ahead (3 Doors Down) and I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does (Love Spit Love). And yes, sometimes I even get along with the voices inside of my head (Eminem Ft. Rihanna)
And I'm just adding lyrics now.
Whatever. I'm tired of this. I'm tired.