Fine Again?

I've been kicked out of L's house. I am not upset about it.
I'm more upset about not having enough time to grab more things. I would have grabbed an extra bra if I had known.
Crazy bitch.
Whatever.
I'm at R's house. I'm ok. I have to be ok.
The Ghost Hunt fanfic is helping. Not the best written, but it's creative, I'll give her that.
Because really, most fanfic writers are girls. I'm sure of it.

I have just laughed at a bill collector. I work retail honey, if I could make a down payment of $100, this would have been paid off a year after it happened. Has it been a year?
Does it matter? Now I have 2 bill collectors! I feel so special.
I'm collecting collectors!

Fuck, I slept on my parents couch last night and my back is killing me.

Some times I think I have a crush on R's brother. Or maybe not? I don't know... It's like, I want to show affection and give hugs and stuff, but I don't think I want the actual relationship.

...
...
...

This does not feel permanent. Not like home.
Maybe it's because I'm here almost every week. Maybe it's because my stuff isn't here.
This isn't the first time this has become a temporary home.
Not even the second time.
Probably not the last.
It's like I don't belong.
Just a problem. Like a foster child to be sent away when they become too troublesome.

I don't care

I can't do this.
I can't just keep fucking doing this.



I'm starting to remember why I used to hide in anime so much.
I could make them love me or care for me.
I could change myself to fit into any situation.
And if something didn't work out right, I could change it and recreate it.
As many times as I wanted.
Until I got it right.


Why can't I get this right?

Posted from my phone

I am sad.
Despite only having to pay $20 rent, I want out.
And I'm just unhappy in general.
I'm at R's house and I should be happy, but I can't stop being stressed.

If I go crazy than will you still call me Superman?~

Dude. Spider (because I still haven't come up with a better name for him)Is the only person in the whole world who calls me Jamie-o.
Stupid nickname? Yes. But he's the only one who's given me a nickname that isn't James.
It's kinda pathetic on my end. Even if I wanted to be interested, I can't.
I'm still getting used to the idea that I can have a guy friend without automatically having a crush on him. It's weird. I'm weird. I'm having a really weird time trying to explain this, and the more I try, the weirder it gets.

Had a moment at work today. I didn't loose those keys. I either hook them on my apron or I place them on a counter. I know damn well that I put them on that podium. I know because I remember my thought process. That the girl would need the keys, but she wouldn't hold on to them. So I put them where she'd placed them before. On the podium.
So how did they end up under the counter at the front desk?
Sure, I'd been behind the counter plenty of times, but we have cigarette keys back there, so I didn't need a set. Even if I'd had them and taken them off my apron, I would have put them on  the counter, not under it.
Maybe I'm haunted. Not the first weird thing to happen to me. I could deal with a haunting better than schizophrenia. At least if I was haunted, I'd still have my mind intact.

And that weird shit the other post? With the shit running along the walls and ceiling? Hasn't happened again since. I told L, but I don't think they did anything about it. I'm sure she would have told me if someone had been down to check for pests. Things would have been moved.
I haven't seen Henry around either, for that matter.

Now where the fuck did I put that car title?

Fuck fuck fuck fuck

Dear fucking God I keep hearing things in the walls or the ceiling or possibly from my fucking closet!
No, I don't care that I've been reading Stephen King. It's fucking Dreamcatcher! Scifi, not paranormal.
Like something moving in there, because now I'm sure it's coming from the close-
Fucking making noise I jumped. Please make this stop.
I think I'm going to die.

Dream

Sometimes, for whatever reason, I remember a dream I had so many years ago. Sometime maybe when I was a teenager.
In the dream, I had a daughter. I'd gone into the bathroom because my nose was starting to bleed and I didn't want her to see it. I was looking into the mirror, and when I turned towards the door, there was this 5 or 6 year old girl. Her hair was black, her eyes a beautiful shade of blue. She had such a serious look on her face. Her name was Rebecca. Becca.
My smart, serious daughter.
And she held out a tissue to me.

I don't know why I still remember that dream. I don't know why I remembered it tonight.

Fix me now, I wish you would/Bring me back to life~

I am so damn tired. Like, if I changed and curled up in bed, I could pass out pretty soon.
But I can't. I'm far too likely to wake up; my body thinking it a nap.
So I can't sleep.

The fanfics suck. I know what I want to happen in them. Nobody can write it right. Maybe my expectations are too high. And a lot of the Ghost Hunt fanfics always seem to start out the same way. Mai is late for work. Naru yells at her that she's late. Tells her to make him tea. Usually she'll ask Lin if he wants some too. Make tea, wait for Naru to say thank you. Get pissed off because she hasn't learned by now.
My god people, pick something different! You aren't making your fanfic stand out from anybody else.

And I don't know if Henry is making all that noise or if he brought friends or what, but it's freaking me out. Scuttling in the walls. Sometimes it sounds like something in the air vent.

I feel sick. Just a little. Probably just need to get something out of my system. Whatever.

I had a pretty good day today. Only had one person treat me like I was an idiot. If you don't trust me with your groceries, why come to my line?
I think Spider has a little bit of the shining.
I also think I need to change his code name. He's no longer the spider that you dread because you don't know where he is.
Anyway, I had an early shift. Early for me, I mean. Made a tasty salad at the salad bar for break. I got out on time, got a mocha frappuccino (been so long since I got a frap). Picked up some more soy milk and some chocolate yogurt. I was pretty damn happy. It was just warm enough to sit outside and read my book (Bag of Bones by Stephen King) while listening to my upbeat Pandora station.

I got to chat with L today. She understands that I have to reprogram 27 years of my brain. Told me that I shouldn't feel guilty about keeping money away from my parents. That I can't move on with my life if I keep enabling theirs.

Dad sent me a picture of Jack today. My kitten is 2 years old. He's gotten so big. I miss him. Jack has been snuggling with dad since I moved out in November.
That picture also means that Dad isn't mad at me for leaving them financially alone.
So why do I feel they should be mad at me? That I should avoid asking them for help?
It's the wiring in my brain, right? Why can't I just undo it like a twist tie? Just turn it in the other direction?
Instead it feels like cutting wires to a bomb. Sure, the manual tells you what order to cut the wires in, but it turns out you're color-blind and the red and green look like the same damn color.

Dammit, I keep seeing things move from the corner of my eye. Sometimes it's my hair, or a shadow, or even just the way my eye shifts I don't fucking know.

I've bitten the fuck out of my nails. I had a good day but I'm doing the stress thing. The eating, the biting, that thing that I do where I run my hand through my hair, even though I know it will make it more of a mess.

And the ADD has been so much worse. I'll be scanning an order and get distracted by something at self-scan, or a child in the line in front of me, or two managers talking over to the side. Maybe someone making an announcement on the PA system.
I'm considering getting back on the Adderall. The appointment alone costs about $80, and I don't remember how much the meds cost. I just don't like how they make me angry if I take them for too long. My temper is short enough at work without medicational side effects.

I've got my feet on the ground and I don't go to sleep to dream~

Henry lives!

Henry is running amok in the basement. I really wish he'd calm down. Kinda freaking me out. I guess he's not used to the change either.

I need to wake up by 11. That will give me 45 mins to get ready... I also need to wash my hair in the morning.

I told R that I was getting off work at 5:30. That will give me an extra half our to get ready.

I'm tired enough to sleep, but I'm hungry. I also know eating will probably wake me up. Shit.

Even waking up at 11, I'll be getting less than 8 hours of sleep.

Damn it's cold down here.

The title is a lie.

Muy cansado

• I've decided to name the mouse Henry. I don't know why.

• I hallucinated again. I thought I saw a person across the street. But then there wasn't one.

• My back is hurting like a motherfucker. That doesn't make sense. I don't care. Fucking pain, dude.

• I haven't seen Henry yet tonight.

• This post is being written over the course of more than an hour. Perspective. You are reading this as happening all at once. 

(This actually is happening all at once)
I feel like I have no one to talk to. R isn't good with these things. She doesn't know what to say or do. She has no advice.

I can't talk to my parents. My last... meeting with them, didn't go well. I left on bad terms. I can't let them borrow money from me anymore because they can't pay me back. If they become homeless, it would be my fault. How could I ask for their help when I can't help them?

I can't talk to my house mate because I barely see her. L is one of the reasons I need someone to talk to in the first place.

Things are happening and I feel stuck. L is talking about moving. She's getting the house fixed up. I was starting to get comfortable. I'm so damn sick of moving. I got woken up because of the contractor working on the house.
I feel like people see me as lazy and not working, because I can't get to bed before 5AM and I sleep until 1. They see me as being more lazy than someone who works as many hours as me, but during the day.

I know L tells me that if we move (by the end of summer, if she has it her way), I'd be welcome to come with them. Things wouldn't change just because of the move.
No, I don't want to move again, but it's not even about that.
It's the idea of a viewing. Of having to make it look like we don't live here when we do. And when would these people be coming by to look at the house? In the evening, when the family is home? No, I think not.
No, it will most likely be while I'm sleeping. Would I have to be awake and out of the house while this is happening? Would they have to avoid my room? Because I can't imaging some walking people through the basement and through my room and pointing out "Now this isn't an addition to the house, don't worry. The family will be taking her with them."

I have no one I can talk to about any of this. I don't want to form a relationship with someone just so I can abuse them with my complaints and ramblings. Nobody wants that. And I can't afford therapy. Besides, I'm gonna snap if someone else tells me I have to be rational about this.

Whatever

There is a mouse in the basement. It looked brown the first few times I saw it, but last time it was grey. Hmm, maybe there's more than one. Shit.

I never realized I had a fear of ladybugs until I moved into this house. We have a strange amount of them here. Maybe it's just flying bugs/insects I can stand. I don't like birds either, but they don't freak me out, nor do I have a fear of flying. And I love bats, so it's not the flying part.

I'm just typing out random things now, like that I'm closing my right eye to type this.
I also enjoy watching other people play video games. Mostly for the story line.

I've been avoiding telling my house mates that I think we lost power to a few outlets. Mostly because the outlets are in the basement and I'm the only one who uses them. Not a big deal, but I don't want them to think I did it. I only had two things plugged in anyway, and I'd been doing it for a few months before this happened.

I also don't want to tell them about the mouse. Cuz that shit is totally my fault, considering that I'm a lazy slob who doesn't sweep or vacuum, and tends to brush food onto the floor.

Why don't I want to sleep? I had an eight out shift and it's 3:36 AM. I could probably sleep.

How the fuck do I turn off my brain?

So. Many. Typos. You just can't see them because I'm correcting them as I go along.

I need to repaint my nails. And stop biting them

And now it's 5AM. I need to sleep.

Can you help me, I'm bent~

I have not had to care for over five years. Really, it's been longer than that, but I figure after five years, it doesn't matter. Now I live in a place where there are expectations. Dishes in the dish washer, bed made, trash taken out before the garbage men come to pick it up.

It's strange. How do you explain to an ex-army man that that you aren't used to having to do basic chores that could be expected of an 8 year old? How do you explain that, because of depression, the only thing getting you out of bed is the urge to pee? That you have an internal struggle just to get changed out of pajamas?

How do you explain that you never had to try, because you're parents gave up on you by the time you were 16?

And how do you tell someone that you need reminders of basic things without it sounding like you want them to take care of you? That you need to be reminded the day before that trash will be taken to the street? That you need to get your laundry out of the drier by the end of the night?

Because I haven't had to worry about anybody else's sleep schedule, or space, or belongings, or anything.

Yup

watching Cops and smoking hookah. Happy Thanksgiving.

No.

No.
No, I will not have her call you.
She was crying and all I can think is
'What did you do?'
Now she's sleeping
With the salt water dried on her face.
What did you do?
I will not have her call you.
No.

Priorities

It's 3:15 in the afternoon and I've been playing with my hair for the past 15 minutes. My hair is either clean or dirty, depending on the lighting, and I'm tired of trying to get the dry shampoo to work.
I'm tired.
I don't fall asleep until around six in the morning most nights. Usually I sleep until two, but my friend came over so I woke around 11:30. I don't know what time I fell asleep last night. Five something I'm sure.
I need a nap, but I need to wash my hair. I also need to sew up the hole in my apron. I want to finish a hat I was crocheting.
And there's more, I'm sure. But right now I feel the need to type this.
Because fuck priorities, I have A.D.D.

I've already waited too long and all my hope is gone~

I cried at work today. Over something stupid, I'm sure. I think it was a combination of frustration and stress and everything that's been going wrong long and short term. The four headaches in four different areas of my head didn't help.
I knew it would happen eventually. I'm thankful that it didn't happen during the day in front of customers.
I tried to stop it. I really did.
Even then, I didn't know for sure why I was crying. I couldn't even tell her that crying wasn't the emotion that should be happening because how do you explain to someone that the crying just kind of happens when it feels like it whether or not it has anything to do with the situation?

I need sleep and I'm tempted to call out tomorrow and the crying is trying to come back and who am I even typing for? No one is reading this shit! I don't even have any trolls on this fucking thing so what does it matter?
Nobody Cares

The worst part is that I know I need mental help and it's just never going to happen.

I am Human and I need to be Loved. Just like everybody else does~

I hate that I feel the need to explain myself to people.
I hate that I need to explain to them my need to explain myself.
And I hate that the people I feel the need to explain myself to are the ones who care the least.

"We'll get along much better as soon as you realize that my brain works differently than yours."

Sometimes My Mind Plays Tricks On Me ~

How do you explain to your mom that you don't like it when she takes naps because it feels like she's gone when she's asleep?
When I was younger, I didn't stop running to my parents' room at night because I stopped being afraid. It's because I'd decided that I was better off feeling afraid of the monsters than feeling alone with my parents.

I'm having more problems with my mind lately. I hallucinated yesterday at the store. I was putting an item back and I saw one of my coworkers about to cross my path and then she wasn't there. She didn't just turn a corner or something. She was never there.
This wasn't as intense as watching my nephew's aunt walk across our kitchen just to find out that she was home with a stomach virus, but it was... not startling, but mildly jolting. I don't know how to describe it.

I think I need to change my diet with how sluggish I'm feeling, but that would be impossible, so whatever. I don't even know.

Blame It On My A.D.D. Baby~

First I'd decided to watch Paranormal Witness while eating dinner. Then I decided I wanted to crochet something. Browsed though a crapload of snowflakes (it is November) found a blanket.
Crochet kinda works in levels, known as rounds.
Start blanket, figure out the pattern for level one, work level one while watching episode.
Pause episode, figure out pattern for level two, continue while crochet, etc.
Level 5, pause episode, wtf? How do I do this round (level)?
Check youtube. Holy crap someone posted a tutorial! Watch said vid. Partially work with vid. Hmm, finish later.
I wonder what other vids he's posted. Check channel.
Is that all his yarn? Click vid. glimpse other vids on side bar. You can knit with your arm? I must watch this!
Realize this is a perfect example of having A.D.D. and type up stuff, current vid paused.
There are now two paused vids and we realize that we've had to pee for the past 30 min.
Oh look, someone arm knits a blanket and we still have to pee.
Kitten, please don't steal my socks.
Holy crap that is one huge knitting needle!
finally use the bathroom
I'm hungry, I should eat something
more youtube
mmm peanuts
hmm, I wonder if she's tried the soda stream again. Nope, but ooh, she got a kitty! Click.
Soda stream again. I wonder if the flavor would taste better if she didn't overload it with the carbon stuff. I should pick up a flavor bottle to go with my seltzer water.
Oh hey, my cat found that bright colored hair extension/clip from Hot Topic that What's-her-face left here years ago. I should wear it to work tomorrow and see if anyone notices.
I should actually get changed into my pjs.
ooh, haven't seen this vid yet
turkey cookies
oh, right, Paranormal Witness
Facebook and more internet
pjs
bed around 4:30 or so

ALSO: Watched the hospital episode of PW. First time ever watching that show or any other paranormal show that I actually got chills

ALSO 2: The black mist from Supernatural is real!

I'm sleepy. Fell asleep around 5:30 in the morning. Got woken up around 10 or so.
We're also housing our neighbor's dog for the week while she and her son are gone. I have two cats. Both parties were growling. I had to walk one cat down to my room, stubborn old man.
Now they are sleeping
I should probably take a nap before work.
My stomach is kinda crampy. Too many peanuts last night or do I need to eat?
TMI and I don't care!
It's also freezing!
!!!!
!! kinda looks like a bunny...

"You know when you look back at your childhood and ask yourself  'how sure am I that I wasn't retarded?  I'm pretty sure, right?  Holy shit, was I retarded?'   That happened to me today and I'm pretty sure that the answer is 'yes.'" ~ Hyperbole and a Half
To read the entire entry, click here.

I would just like to say thank you to Allie. You have, more or less, summarized how I feel about my childhood.

 

WTZZzzzz...

I haven't been falling asleep until anywhere between 4 and 6 in the morning. Shitty sleep schedule and whatever.
My friend R lives in Alexandria, but commutes to the college by my house. When there are events late at the college, she'll spend the night so that she doesn't have to make a 40 min trip just to drive back in the morning.
There's a point to all this.
So last night we went to watch a movie for her German class "the lives of others" or something.
Now, R, being the 'normal' person she is, can fall asleep by 2, no prob.
I had to take 2mg of melatonin to fall asleep. I hadn't woken up until 2 that afternoon.
So I wake up around 9 to see her out and watch a few episodes of Criminal Minds, take an uncomfortable something hour nap.
I don't even know anymore.
Ran a bit late to work. A few annoying customers.
For some reason I was feeling really stressed. Almost had an anxiety attack. Almost broke down crying. Thank god Spider wasn't there. Feel like shit all day. Yay for going home on time!
Come home after 5 hour shift of stress and whatever. No food -_- really? There's a bloody grocery list and (my) money to pay for it! Why do we have no food? There are two fucking people at the house with no jobs and all the time!
Tired, don't feel like typing much more + ADD.
Didn't get dinner til 1/2 past midnight.
There were plenty of reasons to call it a bad day. Oddly enough I didn't consider it bad.
Who knows? Filler post? There was a point but I got caught up explaining my stupid sleep.
Now to finish that one CM episode.
Agent Studly!